Life has been big these past five years. And in the true nature of Spiral Evolution, I find myself as a new version of myself but back in a freakishly-familiar space that is offering me one of two choices. To repeat old patterns, stay with the known, play it safe, lean into Fear. Or expand into the “unknown” and do it differently this time. In a way that clearly holds my own boundaries, puts myself first, allows my knowing to lead and requires me to stand fully in my own power, driven by Love.
For context…
I did all the things. Was the good girl, played by the rules. Studied for many many years. Got the jobs, climbed the ladders, traveled, moved, had the adventures, felt the pressure. I lost myself in mediating and making others feel ok. I partied. I drank. I was an ass. Truly. I hurt those I loved the most. But I was functional.
I had the relationships. The enmeshed one. The one that resulted in an explosive brake down that tore me apart. It was the gift I needed to birth myself anew. It was bloody awful. I went deep within and drank. Then I went deep within and began to heal, expand and evolve in massive ways. Coming into deep relationship with my heart, mind and emotional world. When the time was right, I wrote the list of my ideal partner (yes, it was five pages long!) and that night I connected with him online. We are now married.
I got sober. I finished the PhD. We found our puppy-girl. I fell pregnant with the most beautiful boy. He is now four and truly a Light. After he arrived I had the identity crisis. I stepped away from clinical trauma social work and academia. Nothing felt right any more. I opened to my own intuitive and psychic gifts. I started my own business. Let completely intuitively. It was divine. The most joyful experience with the most incredible women.
Alongside this, my husband started working away. I was part-time solo parenting with no family support. It was exhausting and hard. We moved house. My dad died. We were financially struggling. I only needed to make $30k/year to top up our income and offer us a fair quality of life (not fancy by the way). To sustain our mortgage and live. Only $30k. But the pressure was big. And I got lost. I started watching what others were doing. Following coaches online who told me I could make $10k/week. It seemed so easy. I got swept up in other’s formula for success. I over complicated it all. I stopped following my own knowing. I lost the joy. I became frozen in “productive procrastination”. I burnt out. I got sick. I had to stop.
I was diagnosed with Graves disease, an overactive thyroid, my resting heart rate was 111. I was losing weight. I had such bad brain fog I couldn’t think straight. The only choice was to heal and get well. Everything else had to wait. And the universe provided an opportunity for my husband and I to buy a business. We did. We moved house and place again. We are learning that now and I have spent the last year healing. I am off my medication. Stable. I have made massive changes and come into such deep relationship with my body that I now know how to manage how I am on a daily basis. Another massive gift. And I am so damn proud of myself.
But here, today, I find myself in the fire again. I face another turn of the evolutionary wheel. The opportunity that circles back again as a chance for us to do it differently this time. To evolve. The deepening. The business is doing ok, but we can’t afford to pay me within it. We need $30k/year to sustain our mortgage and life. Seriously. This is the amount. $30K. Thank you universe, for providing such stark clarity that this is that moment. The choice to chose and do differently for my own evolution.
And so here I am. Faced with the choice to step further into someone else’s dream, into the business, or take the safe path and get a job, or to start again. To come back to myself. To Live my Truth and offer my own gifts and self to the world within my own intuitively led business. Not to live another’s dream, but step into my own. This time in full trust that I am on the right path, without needing to know the big picture or the outcome. With my inner knowing and heart leading, not my head. In an energy of the feminine; of artistry and creation, not the masculine of strategy and push. In my own way. Led by my own innate knowing. My wisdom. My joy. In full trust that I am divinely held, guided and supported and that this way will generate massive abundance and freedom and joy. That this is what am meant for.
It sounds like a choice. A hard decision. But really it’s not. I know now that denying my knowing only means that I delay the inevitable. That if I don’t chose what I know to be the path this time, I will circle back again. And I am done with that. When we know, we knows. So here goes. My way. Let’s see what happens.
Thank you Fire.
Much Love,
Lucy x